To have a heart
by xsimplycomplicatedxx
Summary: It's been a number of weeks since Roxas got the news that the entire Castle Oblivion team had been annihilated and he can't seem to understand the odd swirl of emotions that he's feeling. Akuroku


**Warnings: Shonen ai! If you don't like that stuff then don't read yadda yadda yadda ...**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my love for Akuroku.**

The night began differently . . . well, I guess you could call it differently because none of my nights here really ever went the same. There were some nights where I wouldn't be able to sleep at all, and there were some nights where I would have to go to sleep early in the evening because I was so tired. The inconsistency of it all put strain on my body; as if my mind didn't have enough to deal with already. The experience was confusing and unnerving. I didn't know how to deal with it.

But on this particular night, I couldn't sleep which was not abnormal. What was different about this night was that I was SO restless that I couldn't seem to stand even being in my room. The prickling sensation in my body worsened and eventually, I just decided to get up and go somewhere. Anywhere. So, I got out of bed and rolled up the sleeves of my too-big pajamas that they had given me on my first night in the organization. I nearly chuckled as I remembered the incident . . .

_I was walking down one of the halls in the strange building that they had told me was the "Castle that Never Was". I didn't understand why it was called that . . . then again, I didn't really understand anything. But I figured I needed someplace to stay . . . I think. I wasn't sure. I could barely work out my own name much less what I needed to do in the world I now existed in._

_The man who was leading me down the hall stopped abruptly and I nearly tripped over myself trying to do the same. _

"_Well, this is you, kiddo" The odd looking man said. "Xigbar" as he had called himself a few minutes earlier. He smirked at me, one eyebrow slanting over the eye that was not hidden behind an eyepatch._

_I then noticed that we had arrived at a door which looked completely identical to all the others. I sighed in exasperation at all the doors. It seemed like a good idea to keep the world small for the moment and the abundance of doors and capacious hallways was not helping. Did they really need so many doors? Maybe they did . . . I wasn't sure. But the door we had stopped at was the same shade of greyish white. I didn't know how I was ever going to find it again._

_The man called Xigbar waited a few long moments while I just stared at the door contemplating whether or not there was really a room behind every door in this Castle. He eventually sighed and pushed the door open for me. Behind the door was a room. Confused, I looked at the room and then back at Xigbar._

_He seemed to be busy unfolding something in his arms. Folds of dark fabric came undone as he shook them._

"_Here you go, kid. Somethin' to sleep in. Keep in mind that these are Lexaus' old pajamas and he's … well, quite a _bit _bigger than you, actually . . . " I was still confused. I looked at the folds of fabric in his arms only to realize that they were a sweatshirt and some old looking sweatpants. They looked quite a bit more comfortable that the slightly awkward leather coat that they currently had me wearing. I took them gently from his arms and looked at the fabric, studying it closely, attempting to feel the texture of it through the gloves I was wearing. then I looked back at Xigbar, still unsure of what to say . . . unsure if I was even physically _capable _of saying anything. I had no idea._

"_Geez, you don't talk much, do you?" said Xigbar harshly but with a smile still on his face. This confused me even further. _

_With a rough pat on the shoulder, Xigbar nudged me into the room and shut the door with a quick "goodnight, kiddo."_

_I looked around the room, taking in the odd surroundings. There was a bed near a window which opened to the sky. The city of The World that Never Was stretched out far below me and above it was … nothing. I looked out at the sky and saw an unmoving expansion of nothing. _

It's like my mind _I thought to myself. _Empty and confused. _I wondered if at least it had someone to be nice to it like I did. True, the organization were just as perplexing and frightening as anything else I had encountered so far, but they had not been unkind to me. Xigbar had given me clothes to sleep in. I supposed this counted as kindness. And earlier that day, the redheaded man… Axel… he had taken me out for ice cream. The memory already seemed foggy. I remembered we'd had a conversation… he kept saying something about getting it "memorized"… I couldn't remember what he wanted me to memorize. But he sat with me and talked to me and gave me ice cream. At least I had someone there to eat ice cream with … I wondered if the same held true for the sky…_

_I stared at the abysmal indigo for a while and then shifted my head back to look at the rest of the room. Something caught my eye. I jumped when I saw a pane of glass reflecting what I knew to be a mirror image of me back into my eyes. The mirror was slim and full length and stood in the corner of the room. I carefully monitored my reflection as I walked over to it, paying close attention to how the image's movements copied mine. Then, when I got close enough, I realized that I had never actually seen what I looked like. In a sort of awkward wonderment, I examined my reflection closely. _

_Staring back at me was a face that seemed familiar enough although I couldn't quite place why. I had never seen what I looked like before. In fact, before today there was no "me" to see. But still, there was something in the reflection, the slight build, the slim shoulders, the unruly blonde hair that partially covered the azure eyes that seemed almost familiar… But I couldn't quite place it._

_I dawned the clothes that Xigbar had given me and became confused, yet again, when I noticed that they were about seven sizes too large._

I smiled sadly to myself. They were still seven sizes too large, but they were comfortable and almost familiar. I rolled up the sleeves so that they bunched at my wrists and I walked out the door to my room.

The halls were dark and quiet as I walked slowly past each identical door. I realized after I had passed a few rooms that I had never actually been outside my room at night. Maybe that's why tonight felt different. But even with this new bit of originality in the moment, the monotony and greyness still hung. It had been hanging like a heavy curtain over a window for about 24 days now. Ever since they told me that the Castle Oblivion team had been annihilated.

_I walked into the __common room of The Castle that Never Was, __sitar music floating past my ears. The effect was calming. Demyx was picking a tune on the couch while Xigbar and Luxord were having a conversation._

_" ... Yeah, they're all crazy. And to top it all off, I just got word from Xemnas that they were all killed."_

_The sitar music stopped abruptly._

"_Gone? As in all of them?" Luxord had questioned in disbelief._

"_Yep. Dead. Every single one of em'. Can you believe it?" Xigbar replied much more casually._

_My ear was immediately hooked. Dead? "Wait, who's dead?" I asked, dread sinking into my chest._

"_The entire Castle Oblivion team. Can you believe that? It would be sadder, but apparently, we had a few traitors in our midst. Some rats trying to scurry their way to the top and take over the organization. Well, those bad boys have been taken care of," explained Xigbar with an almost sportsfan- like tone to his voice._

"_The _entire _team was killed?" I asked numbly. My voice felt distant._

"_Yep." Xigbar said, still just as casual._

"_Eh, bloody traitors. Who needs em'?" Luxord added, for effect._

_My lungs felt like they suddenly had ten pound weights attached to each of them and I felt nauseous. My head was spinning a million miles an hour. Xigbar and Luxord casually chatted about their fallen orginization members and how they really wouldn't miss any of them in particular. Demyx's stare deadpanned at the floor._

_At the point when Xigbar mentioned that he would "sort of miss Lexeaus, I guess" I turned around and began walking with the express intention of never turning around. I didn't know what had just happened, but I felt like I needed to run. Run until I reached the edge of the world and fell off and then . . . . maybe _something _would happen._

_But this plan was quickly halted when I collided; face first, with Saix's chest. I stumbled back and looked up at him. He wasn't even looking at me, his face as monotonous as usual. The way his eyes slowly swept the room made me tense, angry. How could he be so calm? How could any of them be?_

_Saix, with a bored look, spoke to the four of us, "Yes, as you've probably heard, the C.O. team has been annihilated. There will be no more talk of why this has occurred and I will not have rumors being spread about it. Go on with your missions for today."_

I hadn't believed them at first, but the days passed and it became more and more apparent that the team was definitely not coming back . . . including Axel.

I knew that it was illogical to feel this sad when nobodies weren't supposed to be able to _feel_ anything . . . .or at least, that's what they kept telling me. Why did they tell us that? I never understood why we can't have emotions. Everyone seems to experience them. Axel said we simulate emotions because we remember what it was like to have them . . . but I don't. I never had memories to go off of. I didn't even know if what I was experiencing was "emotion". All I knew was that Axel was gone forever and the prospect of it felt like it was ripping a jagged hole through my chest that seemed to prevent me from breathing.

After I was done walking, I realized that I had ended up in the kitchen. Quickly, I glanced around. For one ridiculous moment, I expected to see Xaldin pop out of one of the pots sitting on the metal countertop and offer me food. I shook off the notion and walked toward the counter, sitting on one of the stools that were there.

As soon as I sat down, I put my head in my hands. I didn't know what to do about these irregular sleeping patterns. Soon the others would notice how tired I was and begin to question me. I would start slipping and screw up a mission and then everyone would get mad at me. I was finding no comfort in anything. I couldn't even sit by myself on that clock tower anymore to eat ice cream. Every time something would make a sound behind me, I would jump and turn around only to find that nothing was there . . . . that _he _wasn't there.

I knew it was illogical to feel this way, but I couldn't snap myself out of it. I couldn't make myself feel any different; as much as I wanted to. The hole in my chest was throbbing throughout every day, ripping itself deeper whenever anyone mentioned the C.O. team. I was at a loss for thought. I didn't know _what _to do.

The emotions were like demons living inside me gnawing at my brain, keeping me awake or making me tired or confused. I grabbed a fistful of my hair, trying to make them go away.

Abruptly, I heard a foot scuffle from behind me. No really caring who it was (although slightly interested to see whether Xaldin really _had_ popped out of that pot) I stayed in the position I was in, not even bothering to release the death grip on my hair.

But then a voice accompanied the foot scuffle.

A voice I thought I'd never hear again.

_His voice._

"_You're _up late."

Axel POV

Roxas turned around real slowly, like he wasn't sure if he had really heard me. His eyes were wide and glistening like cerulean marbles. He stared at me for an immeasurable amount of time, absorbing and processing the fact that I was there. I, obviously, was extremely confused. What was going on? He was looking at me like he had just seen a ghost. Was he going insane? Was he sleepwalking? Should I be worried for him? Should I be worried for _me?_

I held still for a few seconds, staring back at his glazed eyes. They seemed filmy and almost dead. I was about to seriously freak out when . . .

Suddenly, there was about 130 pounds or something of blonde teenager running headlong into my chest and holding onto me in a death grip that not even Lexeaus could have struggled out of. I gasped stupidly, my brain trying to catch up with what had just happened.

Roxas was holding onto me fiercely with no apparent intention of letting go anytime soon, but that wasn't what was frightening to me. What was particularly unnerving was the fact that he was shaking uncontrollably.

I held my arms out to the side, awkwardly, unsure of what to do or if this was even actually happening. Roxas didn't let go or stop shaking after a few seconds or possibly minutes. I didn't know. It was terrifying to see him like this. The Roxas I knew was always either smiling shyly or staring off into space contemplating one thing or another. But this… this was just scary. What had happened to him? Had I really been gone that long?

After a short while, worry overtook shock and I managed to gather up the strength to relax and wrap my arms around his small shoulders in a comforting embrace. He held me even tighter - something that I had, up until that moment, thought to be impossible - and shook even more in my arms. Feeling almost guilty for him, I pressed myself closer into him and bent downward slightly to rest my cheek in his spiky blonde hair. It was surprisingly soft for being in such disarray all the time.

Roxas continued to shake like that. I looked at his face and was slightly surprised. I had inferred because of the violent shaking that he was crying. But his face was not tear stained and his eyes were not red or puffy. He looked more like he had just walked in from a blizzard and was trying to find warmth by holding onto me. His expression was not one of pain exactly, but more a look of a person who was restlessly asleep, having a dream that was particularly stressful.

I just held him like that for a few moments … or hours … or possibly several sunless days. Again, I wasn't sure. But then the shaking calmed quickly and Roxas breathed in a slightly labored breath.

"You're alive" he murmured weakly.

I sighed. Saix had told everyone that the entire C.O. team had been eliminated just like we had planned, but I guess I didn't think about how it would have effected each member. _Poor kid _I thought to myself _he must have been so confused about this entire thing. And it's not like anyone would have explained it to him anyway. _I thought this, but there was an ulterior motive to my train of thought. I hoped, but wasn't sure why, that he had somehow … wanted me back. That maybe he had _missed _me or something.

I shook the thought and tried my best to comfort him. "Of course I'm alive. It's gonna take more than a tough run at Castle Oblivion to get rid of me. Got it memorized?"

The shaking had calmed, but he still held onto me, probably just to make sure that I was still there. My arms which, up until this point, had been hanging loosely around him now tightened as I pressed myself closer to him. I buried my face deeper in his soft hair and inhaled lightly. His hair didn't smell like anything in particular. He just smelled like Roxas. Oddly enough, the smell was comforting…

I abruptly realized that I had been too wrapped up in the moment to realize the obvious. I had been gone for more than a month and here I was, holding onto my only real friend in the entire organization and the most obvious motivation for all this had not even formed itself into words.

"I missed you… little buddy," I quickly added the last part as an afterthought. I didn't want to ruin the moment with the awkward implications that could have arisen.

_Yes, because God forbid we kill the romance. _I thought sarcastically to myself. _Shut up, brain. _I retaliated back at myself.

My one man battle for which part of my brain was more insane was suddenly interrupted when Roxas finally loosened his grip on me and leaned back to look at me. His eyes were wide and child-like, the rest of his face expressionless. Upon closer inspection, I realized that his bright eyes looked slightly bloodshot and had dark circles under them. His expression suddenly looked tremendously weary.

"Gosh, Roxas, you look like you haven't slept in days," I quickly glanced over at the clock. The analog hands read 1:45 am. Was it really _that _late?

"Geez, Roxas, why are you up this late?" I pleaded with him, looking back at his tired eyes.

"I ... I couldn't sleep," he muttered weakly.

"Yeah, I gathered that much ... well, since you're up, why don't we take the opportunity to do bad things to our metabolisms?"

He looked at me like he was _really_ confused. I felt my jocular smile slip off my face.

"I meant eat sweets in the middle of the night, Roxas," I explained with chagrin.

"Oh..." He responded, blushing slightly. "Sure."

He walked back over and sat down at the counter while I walked over to the fridge. I opened the freezer on top and started prodding around. There were a bunch of packages of various frozen meats, probably for Xaldin's use, and a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Upon closer inspection of the cookies, I discovered a note attached to them that read, _Larxene's cookies, touch them and you DIE! _

I stared at them for a moment and then shrugged. _Well, she won't be needing these anymore_ I thought wryly to myself.

After filling up two glasses of milk, I walked back over to the counter. Roxas looked slightly more relaxed, his expression still incredulous. I set the glasses on the counter and immediately began to dig into the cookies.

Roxas sat staring at the cookies for a moment before finally beginning to eat tentatively. He began to relax slowly and I was sure that the Roxas I remembered was coming back to me. Slowly but surely Roxas slipped through a quiet metamorphosis and began looking less like a mental patient and more like the teenage boy I had come to know….. who was still kind of mental, now that I thought about it. Of course, the circles were still under his eyes, but the dead look was out of them, replaced with something else. Something more ... hopeful.

We eased into a conversation effortlessly, as if nothing had changed, or even been postponed, between us. We talked about everything humanly possible; about the cookies and how they were made and what if the chocolate chips had personalities would they _want_ to be baked into cookies or would it hurt them? We talked about this heartless that Roxas had defeated on one of his solo missions which looked like a fiery skeleton and how it really freaked him out. We talked about how Demyx had gone into an unwielding depression lately (which surprised me considering that it's _Demyx_). We talked about everything except castle oblivion.

I figured that this was a good thing considering all the things that I had learned there. The keyblade bearer had reminded me of Roxas ... but not quite. _He _was loyal, sprited, caring, a lot like Roxas was ... but there was something _else _about Roxas that I saw when I looked at him. Something that was small, yet it made all the difference in the world.

The conversation continued on like that for a while, even reaching the point where we were both laughing about the stupid things we were discussing. The cookies eventually ran out and the milk was getting dangerously low when I finally checked the time again.

"Aw, dammit," I muttered as I stood up, Roxas following suit. "It's 3:30. We both have to be up in four hours." Upon closer examination of Roxas, I noticed that he was _definitely_ in need of some sleep.

"Oh come on. It'd be easier to just stay up for the rest of the night. We'll be less tired if we stay up." His drooping eyelids and slightly swaying posture did not do much for the look of determination that he was trying to pass off. This kid was clearly not used to staying awake this late. I chuckled to myself. There was a word for what he was doing … a word …. Grr there was definitely a word but I couldn't quite voice it ….

Pushing the thought to the back of my head for a moment, I shook my head at Roxas. "Naw, from the way you look, you need _more_ than four hours of sleep, but I guess you can catch up on it after your mission tomorrow. But for now, you should at least try to get _some_ sleep. Four hours of sleep is always better than none. Got it memorized?"

Roxas' eyebrows knit together and he stuck out his bottom lip ever so slightly. _Ugh. _There was that word again. _What was it?_ …..

"But I don't want to sleep right now," he said, frustrated. "What if …." He quickly stopped and averted his eyes from mine, his shoulders hunching a little.

After a moment I had to ask, "What if what?"

He clenched his fists and looked straight at the floor, but he spoke very clearly. "What if I wake up …. And you're gone again? …"

Immediately, I threw every jocular attitude (and for that matter; caution) that I had in me to the wind and closed the distance between us, pulling him into a tight hug; almost trying to out-squeeze him for that hug he gave me earlier. He quickly wrapped his arms around my waist as I buried my face in his hair again and _gosh _there was that _word _again …. _Ugh_. I would figure this out sooner or later…

"Listen to me," I said, holding his shoulders and cradling his head as I spoke. "What happened at Castle Oblivion; it was a one-time deal, okay? Some crazy stuff happened, and let's just say I had to do some subterfuge to make it out alive but I _swear_," I pulled back so I could look him in the eyes. "I won't ever just abandon you, okay? No matter what, I will _always_ to my best to come back to you. _You're _the one that's keeping me here. Got it memorized?"

His eyes got really big for a moment and he nodded. I reached up and ruffled his hair for a moment, smiling. He smiled back and my hand slipped down his hair, lingering on his neck ….

Looking at his smile and feeling mine slip off my face, I had an epiphany. Roxas looked at me, eyes questioning my contemplative expression … and suddenly I found the word that I'd been searching for …

Without even realizing or thinking about it, I slowly leaned down and kissed his forehead softly, testing the waters. He didn't make a move to stop me or even seem like he had any plans to. I pulled my lips away from his forehead and stared at him again, trying to read his expression. For a moment, I looked into his eyes from a few inches away and the word sprang into my mind again, as if it had always been there….

_Adorable_.

Everything about him was absolutely adorable. Not thinking about it (again. I seemed to be really good at that tonight) I closed the short distance between our faces and kissed him.

His lips were soft and warm and all I could think about was _how could I have never done this before?_ It was easy. Effortless_._ And sure, maybe it was a little odd under the circumstances but I couldn't seem to bring myself to care about conventions because it just felt so _right._ He kissed me back tentatively, not really sure what was going on, but not objecting. Which was _almost_ like a "yes" ….. oh God, I'm a pedophile, aren't I?

Not really caring at the moment, I kissed him some more before pulling away to stare at him again. He stared back and for an immeasurable amount of time, we just stood there, holding each other and waiting for the other's reaction.

Relief flooded my non-heart when he smiled shyly, a blush creeping onto his face and he said, "Um, I've heard of this sort of thing before. At least I've seen it on some of my missions …. and I've asked around somewhat, but I don't really understand all the stuff that goes with it …"

I sighed, pondering how the hell I was going to explain this one. It _had_ occurred to me - through all the layers of jubilation generated by the situation - that he might not even know what a kiss _was_. But I was happy to hear that he knew – albeit, vaguely – what was going on. Otherwise I'd _definitely_ be a pedophile. I sighed and replied, "Truthfully, I don't understand a lot of it either. Most people don't."

His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes glassed over in thought for a moment …. Did he _notice _that he was rubbing circles in the small of my back where his hands were still resting? Again with the "adorable" popping into my head. I was yanked out of my thoughts at the sound of his voice.

"But …"he pondered, his expression still contemplative. "_That_ …. Just now … was really nice. But, I don't think I would have wanted to do it with just anyone …" my eyes widened at his implications. He looked back up at me and continued, "I think …. That I only liked doing it … because it was with you."

I could feel the heat creeping into my cheeks, forming what I was sure was the most embarrassing blush I've ever experienced. _Oh God …._I thought, my head spinning in a ridiculous reverie. _I don't know what to do….I'm so happy …_

"Well, then," I stuttered, attempting to gather my thoughts (my brain had seemingly exploded) while trying to retain at least _some_ of my dignity. "Maybe … we can figure the rest out together …?"

He smiled and nodded. And for a moment, I didn't think life could get any better. But then, he tilted his head up and kissed me again, catching me off guard. _Okay_, I thought to myself somewhere beneath all the bliss and relief. Now _things can't get any better …_

Because, for _now_, this was everything. Just me, and him, and the specificities that we would sort out later. For the first time in a _really long time_, I felt alive. I felt …. Like I had a heart.

**Author's note:**

**Okay, so this may stay a one shot or it may develop into a bigger story. Cos I _have _a plot in mind but I don't know if I'll ever be in the mood to write it ... maybe. I don't know. **

**Also: did you get the "sky" reference? Like how "Sora" means "sky" and ... it's a pun ...**

**And lastly: let it be known that the idea of this story sparked from the "Larxene's cookies!" thing and the "Xaldin in the pot" thing xD This is how my brain works. Actually, I think Neriede came up with the Xaldin thing ... she's awesome. Go read her stuff.**

**Hope you liked it! :)**


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